Awe on the Eve

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday! And I am here sitting in the forested park alone, trying to fight back those tears from falling so the passer bys won’t find me awkward. I cried for a full ten minutes and realised my tears would not come out anymore. All I have is grief, pain and some terrible accusations from my partner. Sitting here clock ticking to 9:30pm and mosquitoes biting the shit of me, I am thinking if really I am what my partner accused of me to be? If I am, how come I am not cold hearted, how come I can’t hold back those tears, then why do I feel the pain? I must have done something wrong to feel so miserable. Usually when there is a fight, I know I cannot control my temper and blurt out few unnecessary things I don’t mean! But to my awe does my partner also blurt out stuff he does not mean? Like I am not a good mother? I have been living the life of a motherhood leaving all the other fantasies behind for the past 19 months without close family near by nor any friends whom I can make a family from! Just me and my soul to whom I can ask questions to when I get frustrated and sad. My life isn’t all what I just described, there are days I am so content with my whole life especially raising my daughter whom I love the most. She has become my only strength when I fall. I have been 15 minutes away from her and my curiosity level has build to a level where I just want to go be beside her while she sleeps peacefully as the night grows. I am so upset that today is when I am supposed to be celebrating the day may be sipping on wine, having a date night with my love, having a fun day with my baby! But I guess all those birthday desires are not relevant anymore. I hate being in the dark, but I feel I got no one else to whom I can share this pain to. No one I put put my shoulder on and cry my grief out. Life has been really unfair! Should I begin a new chapter? Should I leave all this behind and find a true salvation? Leave the pain and find happiness? But where should I begin and how should I ? I wish I had a manual to my life to make it easy.

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